Essay Dialogues (#2): Parents Talking About Their Child’s Application Essays

MARC, fit, nervously watches his wife, ALEXANDRA, as she reads a sheet of paper.

MARC: What do you think?

ALEXANDRA: (she finishes reading, lowers the paper) It’s amazing…

MARC: All right!

(He lifts his hand for a high five. Alexandra doesn’t reciprocate.)

ALEXANDRA: … if Schuyler was forty six years old, VP of Marketing for DeSoto Furniture Company and had chronic tendinitis in his elbow.

MARC: What do you mean? It sounds just like him.

ALEXANDRA: You can’t write Schuler’s supplemental essays for him, Marc. First of all, it’s unethical. Second of all, you’re bad at it.

MARC: It’s not my fault. These questions are absurd. Listen to this one. “If you could reverse one world event in the last century, what would it be and how would you do it?”

ALEXANDRA: It sounds challenging.

MARC: In a hundred words? I can’t write a note to the gardener that short.

ALEXANDRA: It doesn’t matter, Marc. He still has to do it himself.

MARC: Oh, really? Well, how’s he going to answer this? (he reads another essay prompt) “The concept of a soul is one of the principles of many religions. Have a conversation with your soul and find out what it wants from you.” The Pope himself could not answer that question.

ALEXANDRA: That one is a little… dense. But Schuyler can do it. He just needs to find some motivation.

MARC: His water polo team has five games in the next three weeks.

ALEXANDRA: So, maybe he’ll have to miss one.

MARC: That is out of the question! Schuyler will never go for it.

Schuyler, relaxed, a happy kid, enters.

SCHUYLER: Hey, I just wanted you guys to know, I spoke to Coach Collins and told him I’m not available for the next three games.

MARC: How come?

SCHUYLER: Gotta work on my application essays. It’s the only way I’ll ever get away from you guys, right? I’m kidding. Love you.

He kisses Alexandra, smacks Marc on the shoulder, exits.

ALEXANDRA: See? I told you he’d get motivated.

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